Dear Regrets (and all regreters),

I admire your question because, especially in 2009, so many (too many) of us are bound by regret. Or, as I like to call it, "that shit-infused voice that screams "coulda, woulda, shoulda" more times than I'd normally appreciate."

First, I have to tell you, I am in your boat; I am a part of your club. Do you look back wondering what you could have done differently, said nicer, accepted more graciously, or given less selfishly? Well, me too. And, while I don't want to speak for others, I have to imagine that they too are plagued with these same impressions. If you imagine yourself standing in a circle named "regret," and then imagine that circle disappears, you are left with just YOU.

Now, as a coach, when I feel past-fixated, I ask questions to provide myself a framework. Here is what that might look like for you:

- Am I feeling regret because of past decisions, or am I mourning the choices I made because I don't like where I am now?

- What stories am I making up about my life to feed my theory that if I had done it differently, I would be happier?

- When I step out of reflection and into reaction, what do I notice?

- If I am my past, then who is my present?

Often, our regrets are reflections not so much of our past, but more so of our life now. If this is true, then it is imperative to study what about life today isn't sitting quite well with our "ideal" or most happy life. I encourage you to make a simple two columned list - in your mind or on paper. The two columns should be named "Take it," - the things about life you love and want more of in the future, and "Leave it" - the things you dislike, drain you, or crowd out what's important, that you'd like to leave behind. Leave room between the two columns for things that may not fit into either one perfectly.
Then, use these follow-ups to explore:

• What stands out in your list?
• How does your life now align with your ideal? Where is there a good match?
• What percentage of time do you feel you are living within your calling right now? What would you like that number to be?
• What one thing on the "Leave it" list would make the most difference in making life better?
• What here must change? What can you no longer tolerate?
• What would it take to deal with your entire "Leave it" list? What stops you from doing that?

Why it Matters...

Hopefully this helps you to better recognize and fill your Gap - the place where day-to-day life fails to align with your value and life purpose.

For now, I'll leave you with this.

The truth is, there really is no such thing as zero regrets. And thank God for that! If we didn't regret, we would never learn, never appreciate change, never understand the difference between happiness and settling. We would miss out on the experiences that make us better, the ones that make us who we are now. Sure, we would have no ex's, no debt, no bad hair cuts. No smelly dorm rooms, no breaks ups, no fight-and-then-makes-ups. But there'd also be no cookie dough ice cream at 3am, no wine coolers at 10. If we had no regrets, we might even miss on the most important thing of all: the feeling of appreciation for now.

However, it is important to realize that this is just the beginning. There is a reason for Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Sorry to say, but not one of us is destined to attain pure self-actualization. But sometimes, climbing up the pyramid makes the journey fun and usually makes us better, healthier and more fun to be around. Frost wasn't kidding about the whole "miles to go before I sleep" poem... =)

But here's the thing...

We keep going. We have to. When we really, really want to look back, we turn up the radio and sing along loudly instead. We remember that the past is passed and we allow it to stay where it belongs. We create new beginnings. Sometimes, we rely on hope to lead us home.

And in the end, usually in the very nick of time, we remind ourselves just how good it feels to look ahead and move forward.